Tag Archives: feeling

Redefining Motherhood: ME and My Son

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“We all live with the objective of being happy;

Our lives are all different and yet the same.”
-Anne Frank.

These were the most painful days, when in the deafening hush of the classroom, with everyone gone I would think over if all these restless and anxious nights, all the rush and haste someday would be worth it or not.
I think about all those years back in school. Growing up dreaming from one corner of my classroom, just a Nobody doubting whether she would ever make it to the other side of that room ever. And then I think of myself Today, still wondering the same.

… so there he was running towards me,
in my college today as I could see,
pulling me out of my trance a starry eyed Dreamer just like me,
with words as delightful as none could be,
“Mumma, how was Class today??”, said he.

And my heart wrapped up all the angsts and fears as if they never occurred and, I smile.
Perhaps I feel both of us will figure this out together as we grow what seems very vague today, Me and my Son.

Having him in my life was not an accident or a slipup, it was the Choice I made, We made!. I wanted to be a Mother and trust me you don’t Never learn it from anywhere, it comes naturally to every woman. So, the day I held him in my arms I made a silent promise to him that I may not know to cook good food ever, and may never knit you a wool cap, and may never ever be the ideal definition of a Mother. But, I will make sure I be someone you will love growing up with, I will never stop chasing my dreams and teach you to race for yours, I will show you that Shooting for the Stars is not just a phrase, that from this day onwards I will do rather Live everything but by holding your hand till my last breath.
I have always dreaded leaving myself somewhere behind in the passage of being a Daughter, Wife, and most importantly a Mother. When they said Motherhood is a full time job and  that I would have to make my choices. I decided to reform my characterisation for the same, I thought it was not my JOB and  as a matter of fact It cannot be any one-body’s job but it is an intrinsic part of us women that comes to us as natural as breathing, it is one of the roles we play like several other, Its just we play this one a little more peerlessly!

So, I made my choice.
The society sets hegemonic structures for everyone. The term Hegemony refers to the controlling social and cultural ideologies. These structures are ruling since forever predefining notions on how things are to be done by all and sundry. When in a small town, they have an imperative role to play. The society needs to validate your undertakings at every step be it being a fair petite feminine girl, or a sturdy masculine boy, marriage at 20 something, having children before being labelled childless, have one then another till you think of yourself as no one else but, only a Mother.

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So, instead of living obligatorily when you choose yourself over social standards you tend to become apprehensive, you fear let-downs. It is not easy but then no one said it would be, I may fail terribly or I may reach my purpose but I will learn and so will he, Me and my Son.
One can never know that you can swim too unless you are left with no choice but, Swim. I never knew what I wanted from life until very late. It took me thirty years to apprehend my abilities and make my passion for the same to assert the presence of my insignificant self in this universe. Motherhood never stopped me it only elicited my sense of self, and I embarked on this journey to self-discovery. It never should be an end to yourself rather a new beginning for now you have your little infallible Hope gripping your fingers and looking up to you.
I made my choice long back holding his hand and I am living my dream and I will make it become our reality, hoping that someday he will know that no structure or defined boundaries can stop you from getting what you want if you passionately conspire with universe and frame your own destiny. You may fall but you will learn with absolutely no regrets.
So, here I am almost breathless as I reach just on time to college (my everyday goal read struggle) for the morning lecture as a Research scholar after dropping our son to his school.
And, I have never felt this alive before!

 Meghna.

Motherhood dare- I accept!

Almost 8 months ago when I found out that I was expecting, I was shattered. I remember I tested myself with a home pregnancy kit because I was a day late for my period. I always used to keep these testers handy with me. I had experienced many false alarms but every time I just knew that I couldn’t have conceived. It’s just one of those things that are close to you and you know when and where things could’ve gone wrong. However this time, I knew there was a possibility to have knowingly made this oversight.

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It was a Saturday evening and I was expecting friends over for dinner. After all that garlicky cooking, I decided to head in for a shower at about 5.30 in the evening, as they were expected to be home by 7.30. I took a tester, did the needful and patiently waited for the result. I was always used to see it say ‘Not Pregnant’ and somehow I hallucinated to see the same. But no, that blue and white stick flashed ‘Pregnant, 2-3 weeks’! I sat there, numb, tears rolling down my cheeks and I had no idea how to react. Was I happy or was I crying on my stupidity, I don’t know. On that day, sitting in the vicinity of the four walls of my bathroom, the only thought that kept flashing through was how could one night of irresponsibility lead to a lifetime of responsibility.

But that was then, and this is now. Each day leading to this was a struggle. I was not the easiest pregnant woman to deal or live with. Emotions ran high, sometimes situations were not in my favour and most of the times I didn’t want to be around anyone. My body changed, nothing fitted me. I wasn’t my toned self anymore. I feared my husband would start hating me and the way I looked. I mean, there was a phase when I was convinced that he had no physical interest in me. But again, that was then and this is now.

Every phase and chapter of life is important and it chooses to come at the right time. We cannot ever question its timing, only feel it. I felt a sense of power which only a woman can feel; that was the day I felt my baby kick. I am bearing a child, giving him space to be nurtured and this can only be felt by me. Women who haven’t been through this yet would feel I am talking exactly how other to-be mothers do. I probably am. Because no matter how much I write, no one can understand this until you go through it yourself.

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I am not a mother yet and to be honest, I am scared to actually be one. But this time, this will never come back. My baby’s kicks, hiccups, turns and somersaults, his/her growth, that feeling of feeling it grow is unbelievable. Nature and a woman’s body is designed to naturally take this pain in a beautiful manner. It’s amazing how superpowers above have actually taken care of the minutest of detail in crafting this immaculate evolution/ mechanism, whatever you want to call it.

I wanted to travel the world and achieve the heights of success I had planned for myself. For now, all this is on hold but not forgotten. Life doesn’t stop here, we don’t stop living for ourselves. And this little one inside me will be my source of strength and power. I can’t wait to the unconditional love and cutie cute cuddles which would be solely for me. I can’t wait to see what you have inherited from me. I can’t wait for you to shine and bring tears to my eyes. Little one, I can’t wait to see you.

 

Aastha K Singhania